What To Do About Your Spouse's Flaws

One important preparation for marriage is deciding if your potential mate's flaws are ones you can live with. While the possibility of change may appeal to you, it's important to consider if these bad habits would be true deal-breakers down the road if change doesn't come. If the flaw is one you are not willing to live with, better to postpone or stop a wedding altogether.The good and bad news is that it is both impossible and unnecessary to have a perfect person as a spouse or to be one yourself. Imperfection is how we are made. Some faults, fortunately, are mitigated over time. Some are likely here to stay. What are your options for 

Compassion

When you see your mate doing something you don't like, discuss the dilemma cooperatively is a helpful option. If there's still no change ahead, how can you make peace with the reality in front of you? One key is compassion. Compassion gives you the ability to accept that your mate has a problem by seeing his or her limitation in an understanding rather than condemning way. You don't have to like your mate's limitations, you just need to accept them as a fact of life, they way you accept fatigue, occasional illness, and your favorite football team sometimes losing a game.

Regard Faults as handicaps

What do you see as your partner's biggest bad habit? What happens if you regard it as a handicap instead of a fault? Handicaps such as blindness or deafness invite a blend of acceptance and practical thinking. People with handicaps work around them and account for them. Each of us has our own personal set of handicaps, be they physical, situational, emotional or mental. We are all differently abled and dis-abled.For example, does your partner tend to be scatter-brained? Distractibility is a handicap in the realm of focused attention. A highly distractible person may even be diagnosed with attention deficit disorder. Your job then is to figure out, together, how to work around this handicap. Perhaps, for instance, remember to speak in short segments so your spouse doesn't get lost by a long monologue. That's love.

Look at the flip side of negative traits

The opposite side of a negative trait is often a positive one. Is your spouse sometimes too domineering? Probably that's what makes him such an effective manager at work. Is your spouse too rigid at times when you'd like to see more flexibility and ability to go with the flow? Perhaps she is a spouse who can be counted on for consistency and loyalty. Is he fragile? Perhaps you can love your spouse for his sensitivity and perceptiveness.

See annoying habits as potential positives

Try interpreting your spouse's seemingly bad habits as fledgling strengths. A bossy spouse may be displaying nascent leadership skills. Is she unorganized? The chaos may come from a passion and willingness to try new things or to take on big challenges.

See faults as areas of insufficient skills

If "faults" like bossiness, too much giving of criticism, or poor listening habits are seen as insufficient skills, the solution leaps right out: learn better skills! A good marriage communication skills upgrade can make a massive difference in this arena.

Some faults are totally out of bounds

Do keep in mind that while patience, time, love, and skill-learning are likely to nurture growth for both of you, certain faults are totally out of bounds, namely the Big Three A's of addictions, affairs, and excessive anger. Especially when extreme and ongoing, these three behaviors call into question the validity of continuing a marriage.

As your attitude towards your spouse's minor bad habits, faults and flaws becomes more accepting, you are likely to gain the patience and tranquility to let time do it's work. In addition, finding better ways that you yourself can handle your partner's quirks and less desirable habits is vital. That's a far better strategy that continually drawing attention to what you don't like. Lastly, you might benefit from trying the sunshine strategy of "catch them doing something right." If your spouse shows a bit of the alternative to the "fault" you don't like, call attention to the good trait. Praise it. Shower your spouse with appreciation, smiles, hugs. Most spouses do gradually change over time, growing from the nurturing environment of a loving marriage partnership.