A strong marriage starts with love between two people who are well-matched with similarities on many dimensions. Yet marital problems are inevitable as the early stage of love when both partners focus on their shared positive qualities moves forward to the stage of addressing differences. LIfe also almost inevitably brings periods of high stress from outside circumstances like financial challenges, illness and too much to do with too little time to do it. During these potentially more difficult and even contentious times, here are seven promising signs that your marriage will last.
1. You don't use personal attacks.
Researchers have found that it's not as much how often you fight, but how you fight, that predicts future divorce. Couples who use personal attacks, sarcasm, manipulation, and insults during disagreements are more likely to divorce. Low risk couples may have a heated argument now and then, but manage to discuss their differences in a respectful manner. They also maintain good will during the argument using physical contact and jokes to lighten the mood. Equally important, they are quick to make up afterwards, with both spouses each apologizing for their part in the upset and learning from their mistakes.
2. You feel you have equal power in the relationship.
In a healthy marriage both spouses feel that each has equal power in the relationship. You both feel that your concerns are addressed and your preferences are respected. Chronic marriage problems can arise when one spouse feels over-run by the other or excessively defers to the other. Disorders in power lead to depression and resentment, both of which can erode marital goodwill.
3. You have established mutually agreeable division of labor.
While you both feel you have equal power, you have also learned each of your strengths and how to play to them. Successful couples divide up the work of running a household to account for these strengths and preferences. This division is mutually agreed upon and can apply to everything from household chores to financial decisions to child care. Having split up responsibilities and with these the various realms of decision-making power, these marriage partners also respect each other's decisions in each spouse's respective arenas.
4. You're both willing to put your marriage first
Psychology professor Thomas Bradbury defines two types of commitment in relationships. The first commitment means "I like this relationship and I want it to continue." The second type is what it takes for a marriage to last. "This," Bradbury says, "is the other kind of commitment: 'I'm committed to doing what it takes to make this relationship work.'"
In Bradbury's study, The couples in which both partners were willing to make sacrifices for the sake of the marriage were significantly more likely to have lasting and happy marriages than individuals who consistently put their needs first, especially during tough times.
In Bradbury's study, The couples in which both partners were willing to make sacrifices for the sake of the marriage were significantly more likely to have lasting and happy marriages than individuals who consistently put their needs first, especially during tough times.
5. You enjoy regular physical intimacy
Humans, like many other mammals, bond through touch. Strong couples maintain the bonds of affection through eye-to-eye contact plus skin-to-skin physical touch. Sexual sharing is a particularly powerful form of physical intimacy, but it isn't the only kind. Erotic touch without intercourse and non-sexual intimacy from talking together and sharing fun times also have powerful bonding effects. When you touch your partner's skin you both release feel-good hormones such as oxytocin. The same reaction occurs between parents and newborns when you cuddle and nuzzle your baby. Powerful bonds are formed, triggered by the feeling of skin-to-skin contact and also, consciously or subconsciously, by your loved one's scent. Hand-holding, kisses, hugs and smiles similarly increase vital relationship glue.
6. You share rituals.
While it may be true that opposites attract, it's shared values and activities that keep a couple together in the long term. Small and big rituals sync up your lives together and communicate "We care about the same things." In a hyper-busy modern lifestyle, these rituals of connecting are more important than ever. Rituals may include sharing meals together, going for walks or exercising together, practicing an art or hobby, or enjoying music or art. Religious practices are can offer a powerful bonding ritual. Beware however of tech interruptions. When cell phone calls and text messages interrupt bonding moments, they destroy the increasing sense of connection. Bonding has to start again from scratch, or may be eliminated from that shared ritual.
7. You don't tally wins or losses.
More findings from professor Thomas Bradbury suggest that couples who take a 'you're wrong, I'm right' approach to conflict are at higher risk for divorce. In contrast, marriages in which spouses viewed each other as a both-are-always-right team were more likely to last and thrive. Bradbury and his fellow research psychologists cautioned against "bank-account relationships" in which spouses keep score of how often they get their way and how often they compromise. The best relationships occur though when no one compromises because both know how to solve dilemmas with win-win solutions.
